Arvy: February 2015

I have been putting off writing this blog post. It's been such a huge part of our life the last 3 months, and yet I hesitate to 'go there' again.

The kids and I were playing Monopoly Empire on Sunday, November 23, 2014. We were having fun and then Amanda got a text from her dance friend saying she heard that Addy Clinger was shot and she died at Angel Park. I got the sickest feeling in my stomach. It didn't sound right or sound real. Sydney said she was scared. I told her that can't be right, text Addy. She didn't want to because she was scared and texted Morgan instead. No reply.

We kept playing and then a few minutes later, I told Sydney to text someone in the Clinger family. She texted Trinity. No answer. Then she texted Addy, 'Are you ok?' No answer.

So, I asked Sydney if she wanted to go over to Addy's house and check on her. She said yes, so the kids and I jumped in Amanda's car to go check things out. Mike was about to go home teaching and just rolled his eyes that we were going to check. He didn't believe it could be real, either.

Amanda drove. As soon as we got to Angel Street Park via Angel Street, we could see an ambulance in the park parking lot with yellow tape cornering it off and a police car. We started to panic. I told Sydney we didn't know what was going on so don't panic yet.

The closer we got to Addy's house, we could see yellow tape and tons of cars, police cars and media.

Sydney started to cry. I told Amanda to park in front of Ally Megill's house and for the kids to wait in the car as I went to talk to a neighbor who was out in his driveway.

The man told me that Addy had been shot in her home and she had passed away and that her body wasn't even at the house anymore. I tried to compose myself before I turned around to tell the kids, but by that time the girls were running toward me and Sydney was yelling, 'I can't do this. I can't do this!'

Worse day of my life.

My daughter was hurting so so much and I couldn't make it go away.

I had Amanda call Mike and he said as soon as he saw Amanda's number on his phone, he knew it was something terrible. He cancelled his home teaching appointment and came to us.

I remember the last time Addy was at our house. It was earlier that week. She and Sydney had walked from their own houses to meet at the 'church' kind of the middle and then walked back to our house. I was teaching piano. They came in the front door and I said, Hi Addy, and looked into her eyes. I remember that moment being a little different. I felt love for that child. So grateful for the friendship she has with Sydney.

As she and Sydney did their thing...hanging out....texting with boys...jumping on the tramp....we could hear Addy's laugh throughout the house. She would always giggle and then say, 'Syddddneeey'

Amanda and I even talked about Addy's laugh that day. It was Addy's signature at our home!

We inched our way closer to the Clinger home. Sydney called Morgan and made her come back over. Morgan had just gone home. I guess Victoria, her younger sister, was playing around (she's kind of a wild child. Sweet, but a lot of energy) and grabbed the gun from her Dad (?) and it went off....no bullet. Then, went she pulled the trigger again, there was a bullet, it went through the wall, ricocheted and hit Addy. Addy wasn't even in the same room....all this happened about 2:30pm. We didn't find out until about 4:00pm.

Morgan made it over and came with her mom, Marcie, whom I hadn't met yet. Now, she is my soul sister! Ally Megill and her mom came to us and hugged and actually gave us a box of tissues. Mike left and got Sydney a coat and shoes since we had just run out the door. We talked with friends and cried and cried and took phone calls and cried.

The stupid media came over and asked Morgan and Sydney if they wanted to talk about their friend. They did. That's how a lot of our family and friends found out. They watched the news and saw Sydney.

Morgan and Sydney decided they just needed to see Liz, Addy's mom. She is like their 2nd mom. They were always at the Clinger's house. So, Mike talked with a police officer and he told Mike where the family was (at a neighbor's house) all the while trying not to tip off the media so they didn't swarm the house. Mike walked over, knocked on the door and an undercover cop answered and asked if he was family. When Liz heard Mike she came over and said let him in and asked if Sydney was here. She said bring her over.

Sydney and Morgan got to see Liz and get their hugs. She loves them so much. Our whole family got to go see the family. It was awful. I talked with Liz's bf's Marty and Kathy. They told me that Nate, Addy's dad, was supposed to lose his job next week. They got started on a gofundme account. That account raised so much money for this family to help bury their daughter and to take the financial burden off of crisis mode to manageable.

I was amazed at the outpouring of love from our friends and loved ones for Sydney. Our phone never stopped ringing. People were bringing presents. The doorbell was always ringing. Constant. It gave us peace. We also knew that Addy was there and that the Holy Ghost was present comforting us. I wrote about it in a journal. It's hard to explain, but when the funeral was over, the feeling wasn't as noticeable.

When we got back home, it was close to 6:30 or 7pm. Sydney had Morgan and Hannah Stahle over. They just wanted to have a small group over. They wanted Bentley to come over, but her parents didn't want her to. People kept wanting to come see Sydney, but she didn't want to see people.

Finally, after the friends were gone, we sat on the couch and I rubbed her feet. Our home teacher and good friend, Brad, had offered to help give her a blessing. It just wasn't working out with the timing. But, as we sat on the couch, it hit Sydney hard. Uncontrolable sobbing. Again, worst day of my life.

Mike and I decided to try to get in touch with Brad about helping with the blessing. No answer. Mike tried a couple of our neighbors. No answer. Then, Sydney said try Kevin. The Jergensens are our close friends after they came to Lake Powell last year with us and Wilsons. Our 3 families got along soooo great! It was quite amazing. Now, we get together every birthday of each member of our Wilgenseth family (our names melded together). Kevin's wife, Monica, was Sydney's Beehive leader at the time.

Mike called Kevin and he answered! Monica would tell us later that Kevin always turns his ringer off at bedtime and turns his phone over so he can't see the light go off, but this night he 'forgot' to turn off the ringer.

They were over within minutes and Kevin helped administer to Sydney and Mike gave her a beautiful blessing. I know none of us slept that night, but we felt comfort.

Social media is good for some things. Within hours, all the kids in Kaysville and Layton and more had notified everyone that Addy had died and all planned to dress up for school the next day to honor Addy and show support for the family.

There were grief counselors coming to the jr high, so we planned to go with Sydney to school and go see a counselor with her, then bring her home.

Mike had to run to work and went really early so he could get back. I got the other kids off to school and then Sydney and I went to Centennial Jr High. As we pulled up, there were news trucks on the streets. They aren't allowed on school property, but any kid that was walking would have to deal with them. I was so glad I was there. We decided they had talked with Sydney a lot. We also noticed that they get the story wrong 90 percent of the time.

Before we got to the school, Sydney got a text from Liz asking how she was doing. I was AMAZED! This woman's life was in turmoil, the tragedy less than 24 hours old and she was checking on my daughter! Then, 10 minutes later, she texted me to see how I was doing! I was in awe of her strength. Not surprised that she could check on us because she's always been that way, but amazed that her concern for Sydney came so quickly. I vowed right then to let everyone who asked me how we were doing to tell them how amazing Liz is. I know that this affected one person, in particular. It's a long story that does not need to be repeated, but this person did reach out to Liz after years and years of drama.

I think we all take inventory of ourselves and how we treat others or who we need to apologize to after tragedy strikes. I've been victim to this before and made an apology to someone 'after the fact' The deal is that I had thought about apologizing months and months earlier, but put it off. I think when something like this happens, we feel so badly for the family that it makes us want to clear our conscience.

The grief counselors were ok helpful, but the best thing we took from our meeting (Mike had made it to the school by then) was that it was ok for your mind to take a break from the grieving. If Sydney felt like laughing (and us included-they said we were doing a good job at helping her, but we still felt helpless) that it was our minds way of dealing with the tragedy and it was ok to laugh. Laugh at the fun memories and to not feel guilty.

Addy spoke in church the day she died. Sydney had talked to me in the morning about going over to hear her speak since our churches back each other. She would just have to walk across the parking lot. But, then she decided not to. She was feeling guilty. I told her that if she had gone to see Addy speak, she would have ended up at the Clinger's afterward and then she would have witnessed the tragedy and that would have been a million times worse. She agreed with me.

The other thing the grief counselor told us about was sea glass. It used to be more prevalent, but has become rare now as people recycle more. Sea glass is man-made. It's when a piece of glass gets into the ocean. It can be a soda bottle, wine bottle, etc. The glass is rough around the edges. As the waves toss it to and fro, the glass begins to round out it's edges. When a piece of sea glass washes up on the shore after being 'refined' in the ocean, it is smooth (Sydney, Mike and I had been given some sea glass by a lady in Florida as we were picking up starfish. We had no idea what it was and even though she was excited about it, we didn't keep it....now we wish we would have!) The analogy of the sea glass is that even though we are being tossed to and fro, we will be refined and smooth after coming through the trial. We can do hard things.

Mike loved this story and researched it more. He ended up giving Sydney, Amanda and me sea glass bracelets for Christmas and he and Brandon got sea glass on stands....like to display on their desks or dressers. It has become an important symbol in our family.

There is so much more to the story to tell, but I'm emotionally drained today. I will continue another day. We love and miss Addy and mostly miss the friendship she has with Sydney. Sydney's heart is broken and she will always miss her dear friend. They had a very special bond.